***NEON VISION OF EVAFLOWNE: GENESIS –0:0.5***
was a regular training day for the three Children.
Misato was in bed <censored>ing with Kaji.
Shinji was, of course, obeying like the meek little puppy he was.
Rei was, as usual, flawless.
Asuka, her normal self, was bitching about the other two Children.
“You! Why can’t YOU do ANYTHING right?!”
An enormous red finger pointed at a gargantuan purple shape hulking in the shadows, then turned to aim accusingly at an orange humanoid form standing calmly in a corner.
“And YOU! Why don’t you ever…”
A speaker crackled.
“Rei. Report to Bay Four immediately.”
Without a word, the prototype EVA-00 headed for the launch bay to remove its pilot, leaving the pilots of Eva units one and two alone together. Wait. You can’t really be “alone together”. Well… Anyway.
Several moments of silence prompted Shinji to form a large sweatdrop.
“W-well, Asuka… I…”
A brilliant flash of neon yellow caused him to yelp and back away. Asuka nearly punched her eject button in panic, and instead managed to cause her Eva to whap the purple EVA-01 across the face. A split second later, the yellow turned to green. Then pink. Then all sorts of unimaginable neon colors began flashing in turn, and they all seemed to be emanating from the same area… almost directly in front of the glass screening Maya and Ritsuko from the Evas.
“Maya! Get me a reading on that spot! Anything that might have to do with it!”
Ibuki looked confused for a second, her adorable little face pouting in an unbelievably cute way that nearly caused the writer to…
[ *shakes head rapidly* Gah. I didn’t mean to put THAT in. ]
in an unbelievably cute way, then understood and threw herself to the task.
Ritsuko immediately skimmed through Ibuki’s report as it scrolled on her
“Neon… jelly… highlighters… hair dye… plans for AX '99's Hentai Fest…”
Ritsuko paused a moment to contemplate the last, then resumed reading.
“Fantasy-mecha anime? You’ve got to be kidding.”
She shook her head in disbelief, then looked up just in time to see an enraged EVA-01 launch itself at the red production model, which countered with a good old-fashioned kick in the crotch. However, Asuka mistimed it, and with a yell of surprise, both Evas went sprawling in a position that caused Maya to turn a shade of bright red and Aoba to choke on his coffee, while Makoto stared fixedly at his monitor.
The flashes had slowed by now, and even as Aoba recovered from his coffee burns, the Evas disentangled themselves and lumbered off to eject their pilots. Everyone could see the rather large amount of mass that had inexplicably appeared in the training room; three humans and two small (compared to the Evas) mecha. The two Children entered the control room and eyed the newcomers.
“Shinji, remind me never to doubt you again.”
“And lend me those damn Esca-whatchamahoozer tapes.”
Ritsuko and Maya, escorted by the two Children, took an elevator down and entered the training room. There, they stood facing the oddly dressed (except for the girl, who was wearing a track uniform) characters until one of the humans, a short one wearing a red vest, jumped forward and drew his sword. The others, a girl with short brown hair and a man with long, flowing blonde hair, waited behind him. The blonde one also had a sword, but his was much longer and thinner and...
[ Don't even THINK that far, you perverts. Crystal, this means you! -_-*]
... still sheathed.
[ *grumbles* I suppose you're going to take THAT the wrong way, too... ]
am I? Who are you!? Demons!”
The girl came forward and tugged at his vest sleeve.
“Van, you did that in the first episode…”
“Hitomi?…I *did*? … Oh. Damn.”
He paused to reconsider his lines.
Hitomi shook her head.
“And your little dog too!”
The tall, rather attractive blonde man sighed in exasperation, then stepped forward, bowed to each of the two older ladies and smiled disarmingly, one hand on his sword handle.
[Um, Crystal… *coughcough* Not *that* kind of ...sword.]
me, ladies, young man…”
He nodded at Shinji and resumed talking.
“We seem to have lost our way… could you show us the way back to Fanelia?”
Ritsuko and Maya looked at each other in confusion, while Shinji tried to peek at Hitomi and Asuka tried to catch the blonde man’s eye.
“I’m Allen Schezar; that’s Van of Fanelia, and Hitomi Kanzaki behind me…”
Shinji stepped forward.
“Us gods! You men!” He thumped his chest. “You do our bidding!”
Ritsuko came forward, clonked him on the head and pushed him behind her.
“I’m Ritsuko Akagi… that’s my assistant, Maya Ibuki… the children are Shinji Ikari and Asuka Souryu Langley. I’m… afraid we don’t know how to explain this…”
Allen nodded, and listened attentively.
“You’ve been brought to Earth… in the year 2015…”
“Hitomi!! Hitomi!! Are you alright? Are you having another vision?! What’s…”
The concern on Allen’s face made Asuka think longingly of Kaji. Then, when she realized she was already comparing the two, she nearly puked.
Hitomi shook her head rapidly, nearly causing the soft folds of her track suit to…
[ The writer continued. ]
is what you call the Phantom Moon… it’s my homeworld… but we’re in the
future… Allen… Van… how did we get here?”
Van shook his head.
“That’s not important… what we need to do is rest and figure out how to get back.”
He stepped forward.
“Excuse me for my previous outburst… you know, I'm the king of a country that was torched by the Zaibach... and the stress is just enormous…”
Allen smiled, gently nudged Van out of the way, and spoke for him.
“What my short comrade here is trying to say, is, could we take advantage of your hospitality and stay for a few days? We’ll leave as soon as we… er… figure out how.”
Ritsuko thought for a moment, then nodded.
“Sure. And by the way, what are those two big metal things behind you?”
“Ah. Those are our Guymelefs; Scherezade is my personal one, that one over there. That other one is the wondrous Escaflowne, which can change forms.”
“T-transform?! Wow!! That’s just like a Valkyrie! I bet it can go into Gerwalk an-“
Ritsuko clonked him again.
“I see. Thank you. Well, Maya, could you show them to their quarters?”
She nodded and led them away.
And so, Hitomi returned to Earth, albeit a bit ahead of her time, and Allen Schezard and Van of Fanelia came to this crazy place we call home.
[ The writer wishes the readers to know that he idolizes Andrew Huang's (writer of Neon Genesis Evanjellydonut) style. Therefore, he will add as many bizarre, yet... humorous things as possible. That "humorous" should have been pronounced the way Paul Rodriguez did it at Comic Relief IV. Or was it VI?... "I find that... *pause* humorous, heh-heh."]
was sitting up tonight, with Maya.
Alone. Together. Impossible as that might be.
Maya was very, very nervous.
"I... I mean, Allen-san... you're a very nice man... and... but..."
Allen smiled. Maya melted.
Ritsuko to the rescue.
"Maya-chan, I brought you something, just in case... you know." She pressed a small, wrapped package into Maya's right hand and winked at Allen. "Why, hello there, Allen. I'll see you two later. Magi's having a fit, and you know how mother can be when she's arguing with herself and herself." She did a double take, then continued.
"Anyway. Jya ne!" She waved and left, lab coat fluttering.
Maya looked at the object.
"'Bandai brand Gundoms(tm)'? ... 'And for the most daring of pilots, Fully Transformable Gundoms (tm) available! See your nearest Gundam merchandise dealer today!'... " She shook her head. "I can't believe Ritsuko-sempai sometimes. I mean, where does she GET these things?"
Allen hastily put away The Official Gundom (tm) Collector's Guide he'd been admiring.
Maya threw the Gundom (tm) over her shoulder and sighed.
in one of the upper rooms of NERV, Misato yelped.
"Sorry. I just HAD to try it... I mean, Fully Transformable!!"
"Kaji, you bastard."
[ Sorry. I just HAD to put that in. Thanks to Steve and Will for the Gundoms(tm) idea. ]
Part the Second.
[ After having watched Good Morning America and Good Day L.A., the writer moaned, smacked himself in the face with a dead salmon, and realized it was only 9:45 A.M., and that, as usual, he had forgotten breakfast. He did that sometimes. A lot, actually. He also realized that he was listening to that weird track from End of Eva that freaked him out. You know, that triumphant-sounding BGM when the 18th angel is falling apart, like right before the way end? That one. He hastily switched to Kyoko Date music (specifically, the Acoustic Heart mix of Love Communication) and resumed writing. ]
yawned and sat up in bed, stretched, got up and wandered to the kitchen.
Misato, as usual, was dressed in a crumpled tanktop and shorts and was
chugging beer with gusto. Van was also chugging beer. Mass
quantities, in fact; empty cans were everywhere, and there was a thin trickle
of beer dripping from a forgotten can into Pen-Pen's food dish. Allen
was wandering throughout the apartment, opening drawers and looking at
various things curiuosly, while Asuka tagged along at his heels.
Ritsuko and Maya were already here, discussing ways to get the travelers
back to their own dimension. Hitomi was still asleep.
"Y'know, Van, it's weird, all m'beer's been disappearing..."
"Really... I mean, my cans just vanish... I'll have a full rack when I leave for work... and then I'll come back a few hours later, and I'll be missing maybe 4 or 5 cans..."
The writer paused to munch some cookies and think. ]
[ Ahhhhh. Sugar... Hitomi? Hitomi. Hitomi asleep. Hitomi in bed. Hito -...]
[ Waiiiii!!! ]
[The writer immediately resumed writing. ]
"That about clinches it."
Ritsuko stood on a chair and called for attention.
"Well. Everyone, we've found a way to get these folks back home... We think."
There was a rather embarrassing period of silence. At least, it was silent except for a continuous gubi-gubi noise as Misato and Van continued slurping. After Ritsuko stopped twitching, she whipped out a bright red bullhorn from a pocket of her labcoat, thumbed the switch and screamed
"STAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWP DRINKINGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!" at the top of her lungs.
Misato fell out of her chair and crashed to the floor; Van merely stopped, raised an eyebrow, and put his can down. The can was Miller's Genuine Draft, to be more precise. Misato had been importing as of late. Pen-pen toddled out of his fridge and started lapping at the beer that had fallen in his bowl. Quietly.
"Better. We think we've found a way to get them back home. Allen, Van, you were in the midst of fighting other mecha, Van was holding Hitomi via the Escaflowne's left hand, and all of a sudden, there were some bright flashes of neon, and bang, you were here, right?"
Allen and Van both nodded.
"Got it. Everyone report to the training room in... oh, an hour or two. Van, Allen, I'd appreciate it if you'd bring your Gaymeleefs."
The writer paused to contemplate plurals. ]
[ "Guymelefs? Guymelefi? Guymel-tachi?... Ah, forget it."]
Oh, and you guys," she said, "Get in your Evas. Actually, not you,
Rei. Just Shinji and Asuka. I don't think you'd be good for
this one... um... go to your apartment and contemplate Gendou-san's spare
glasses, or something."
They exited Misato's apartment. Unnoticed, Pen-pen waddled over to his fridge, hit the button to open it, and entered. As the door slid closed, the floor dropped out from under him, and he plummetted far, far down. As he approached his destination, the elevator slowed, then stopped gently. He stepped out into his secret abode, breathing in the musty scent of his all-natural fiberglass walls, painted and shaped just like a cave, and plopped onto a red-and-white striped couch, stretching out his clawed toes. Then, he deftly reached over with one flipper, smacked a remote that was conveniently nearby, and turned his head to watch as a small screen rose from the floor, pivoted and turned it's softly glowing screen towards him.
"Hey... Gan-gan-gan-gan-gangangan... kagayaku mui da... Gekiganger 3..."
He then turned to smack another button on the remote.
From one arm of his couch, a small compartment slid open, and a can shot and landed neatly in Pen-Pen's right flipper. It was beer, specifically Miller's Genuine Draft.
[ Don't worry. The Japanese isn't important. 'Gan-gan-gan-gan, Victory....' ]
Evas were in place.
So were the Guymelefs.
Hitomi was... ahem... clutched in the Escaflowne's left hand. The pilots were in their mechs, and everyone else was in the control room. There were really big neon light bulbs wired all over the place, of assorted colors.
"Pink... I hate pink."
"Shut up, Asuka."
Asuka blinked; Shinji had actually said something for himself.
He must be on crack.
In each of the Eva pilot's HUDs (I can't think of any other way to describe them), two windows popped up; Ritsuko, who was directing the overall plan, and Misato, who was their combat coach/mascot. Shinji looked down and noticed something odd.
"Neige... Tongzhi Asuka, kan!"
"What? Shinji, when did you learn how to speak..." she trailed off as she looked down at the images of Ritsuko and Misato. Misato looked smug, while Ritsuko merely looked confused.
"Na shi shenme? 'Win' jiu shi wu? Ni dui 'win jiu shi wu' juede zenme yang?...Zhe shi shenme yisi?"
"Shi de, dui. Hao, hao, Shinji-kun! 'Windows 95', ni dong ma?" broke in Misato.
"Rang wo xiang yi xiang... ah! Wo dong! Xiexie, Misato-san!"
"... fluent Chinese?" finished an amazed Asuka.
"That's Mandarin," replied Misato, "and, well, he had nothing else to do, so I thought, why not teach him a new language? Might work. Those morons at Seele never bring their own interpreters anyway... bastards, they're all bastards..."
"By the way... um... what IS that Win95 thing?"
"Oh, that. Rit-chan, want to answer that one?"
Ritsuko looked up from her monitor where she was making last-minute preparations and pushed her glasses up.
"Ah. Well, we decided to install a new operating system on your Evas... and heck, we got paid to do it. You think it's cheap to repair those Evas of yours? So we took a little funding. It's from..." she looked at at clipboard on her table. "Microsoft. American company. You know how it is, backward compatibility and all that, and it's got some neat games, too... so we put it in. They offered us some extra money to put their logo on your Evas somewhere, but someone in Management wouldn't allow it."
"Damn right..." muttered a certain thin, gray-haired thin man in the back.
Asuka tried to absorb that info, then gave up and shrugged.
"Whatever... but if he speaks Chinese one more time, I swear to god, I'm going to start using German, and you know how much the operators love THAT."
"Don't you DARE." muttered Aoba, Makoto, and Maya.
[ Okay. Forget about the Chinese, it too is unimportant. I realize I keep getting sidetracked, but I keep thinking of all these weird things I could put in... gomen. ]
let's go. Start fighting, and seriously. We'll do the rest."
Allen, Van, and Hitomi gaggled at the control tower.
"Those things?!" broke in Allen. "What do you want us to do, hack off their toes?"
<< Escaflowne, vol. 1 : Dance of Curse (track 3). But replace "esca" with "eva". >>
merely emitted a banshee yell and charged forward. As he did so,
he pointed his crossguard behind him as a pitted, ancient blade emerged
from it, and then slashed upwards as he approached the enormous red foot
of Evangelion unit two. Asuka merely sidestepped and kicked it.
As the Escaflowne tumbled in midair, two majestic wings shot out from it's
shoulders and suddenly, a dragon was flying towards The Eva-01's face.
"Van... that might not be such a good-"
"Idea." winced Allen. "My turn."
As the flattened Escaflowne slid down the wall, Scherezade unsheathed it's blade and waited calmly as the Eva-01 turned towards him. Saluting Shinji with his sword, Allen too ran forward, the scarred boots of the Guymelef scuffing the floor as he swung the blade with all his might. The blade cut into the boot, not doing much damage, but Shinji yelled, "OW!!! Owowowowoowowow" and started hopping up and down on one foot. The Escaflowne by this time had gotten itself back together and was trying to scratch out the Eva-02's eyes, and was doing a fairly good job. Scherezade, in the meantime, was running around furiously trying to avoid the gargantuan foot of the Eva-01 as it bounced.
Then, it happened.
All the neon bulbs started flashing on and off, bathing the room in many different colors; Allen was so shocked that he stopped moving.
The giant purple foot of the Eva-01 came down...
Ritsuko shook her head in despair, and cut the power to the room.
"Back to the drawing board... and somebody call the medics."
Allen crawled out from a somewhat flattened and smoking Scherezade.
"It's... just a flesh wound... sir..." he muttered, and fell unconscious.
The Escaflowne sailed in for a landing, and bounced twice before skidding to a halt.
Van climbed out of it somewhat shakily.
"Orooooooo...." he stated, and joined Allen in his siesta, flopping on top of the blonde knight. Ritsuko moaned and pulled at her face, while Maya simply looked disappointed.
Hitomi climbed down and shook her head.
"Stress... it's just too much stress." said a slightly dazed Hitomi, and sat down on the two Guymelef pilots.
Part the Third.
few days later, Allen was out instructing the Nerv technicians on how best
to repair Scherezade. Misato and Van had already passed out after
a companionable mourning (that involved drinking, of course) of the failure
of the attempt to get Van and company back home, while Asuka and Shinji
were at a synchro test. Rei, however, was still in her room, not
having been ordered to come back yet.
She contemplated her reflection in the lenses.
Why does he wear them?
He has no visual disorder.
It simply... did not make sense.
Like mountains. Heavy mountains did not make sense.
Heavy, rounded mountains. Much like the rims.
The rims... they remind me of red.
Blood. Blood is red.
I don't like red.
...I like that. It sounds... philosophical.
I'll have to save it for a later episode.
She continued to stare at the glasses a long, long time.
Part the Fourth.
[ Well, here we are. Been awhile, huh? Here we go agaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiinnnnnn..... ]
was back in the training room. Even Rei this time, although she was
just a spectator. Now, a large, shimmering sphere with thousands
of facets hung from the ceiling of the training room, and the neon bulbs
were still everywhere, as were stereo speakers. The pilots had been
drilled day and night for this latest attempt to get the trio back to their
time, and everyone was ready.
Everyone "oooooooh"ed appreciatively for the globe.
Ritsuko coughed to get everyone's attention, then quickly dispensed orders.
"Okay, just like last time; you know, Van holding Hitomi, Allen in Scherezade, and all that.... except this time, I want all you guys in one line. You know, side to side? Uh-huh. Good. Now, get in place."
Several minutes later, all was ready.
<< Coolio : 1234 Sumpin New >>
Music blared from the speakers, and in perfect unison, the Evas and Guymelefs looked at their left toe while they twirled their forearms around each other, then threw their right arms outwards to point at the sky. After repeating this several time, they began kicking in unison and stamping on their heels. Then, they all crouched down slightly and pumped their arms up and down as though pumping iron...
"Good heavens," stated Ritsuko. "I had no idea it would look so ludicrous."
"But pretty damn interesting, wouldn't you think?" asked Kaji. He had somehow appeared out of nowhere and had his hands in the general vicinity of Misato's bosom.
"No. And get your hands awaaaaieeeee!!!!" cried Misato, slapping at his hands.
"Another time then, heh-heh..." said Kaji. "Lates, babe."
She glared daggers at his back while he retreated to wherever it was Nerv's secret undercover agents hung out.
By now, the Evas were breaking with the best of them; Shinji was springing back and forth on his palms and heels, while Asuka was doing a full 360 helicopter with her legs. The Guymelefs for their part were keeping up; Van was doing a speeded-up Fanelia Twist while Allen broke out the